Transformation

“I only drink a little, but when I do,
I turn into another person,
and that person drinks a lot.”

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This quote resonates with me so much. It was supposed to be a funny meme online – but when you’re that person it’s hard to laugh at. It actually gave me a little comfort, the concept of taking the disease away from who I am, and seeing it as something separate. Seeing myself as an individual with issues, but putting the onus on the alcohol for transforming me into something so much less than I am.

I need to stop blaming myself.

It’s in the blame I feel the guilt and lack of self-worth, and it’s alone in that dark room that I turn to alcohol to help me avoid those feelings. Or, sometimes, to glorify them and sit holding hands with my depression some days. What a messed up thing alcohol does to you: “Let me help you feel better, and when you do, let me tear you apart.” 

What drinking does for you transforms in direct relation to how you, yourself, are being transformed by it.

Today will be day 4 of taking Naltrexone and applying The Sinclair Method to try and help me cut back on my consumption. [As an aside: typing the word ‘Consumption’ led me to thinking about it. In one definition, it is “the using up of a resource, like drinking all the wine“. In another more historical definition, it is a “wasting disease“. Consumption was synonymous with tuberculosis. ‘Wasting disease’ is the most appropriate description of drinking I have ever considered.]

The more you consume, the more it consumes you.

And, I’ll admit – the Naltrexone is helping. Slowly, but surely. It’s only day 4 – but I’ll take it. It’s been hard to distinguish how it’s making me feel as I’ve had the worst chest and head cold for as many days as I’ve been taking this magical little pill (and Naltrexone interacts with most cold medicines – so, I can’t take any). In my experience, being sick has never made me drink any less – being sick usually makes me drink more. The last couple days I believe I’ve drank at least 25-30% less than usual. I find a glass of wine can last an hour, instead of having 3 in the same amount of time. Yesterday, I drank about 1.75L, normally it’d be 2 to 3. So there’s progress. I can’t explain how it works, or why, but the desire to actually reach for the drink is slowly dissipating. I find I’m taking sips instead of gulps.

Today will be a new test. My partner is away all day, until sometime after midnight. I have a history of getting absolutely loaded on these days, so today’s assignment is to keep myself busy with projects – writing, cleaning and perhaps some actual work-related work. Maybe I’ll meditate, and actually devote some time just for me to let some guilt loose.

Today I’ll try not to transform.