Yesterday was a freakin rollercoaster. My morning writing sessions are proving to be the best therapy – but they’re definitely stirring up a lot of emotions and memories. My dreams have been off the hook, bordering on disturbing. Gratefully, I can’t remember what I dreamt about last night. Sunday night’s dream is still stuck to me, so not sure I could handle another one like that today. Down a bit again with my drinking yesterday (high five, me!) having just under a magnum (1.5L), which is about 10 drinks. For Day 6, I’m down to about half of what I was drinking on an average day already.

My anxiety level yesterday was through the roof, with a few nasty speed bumps along the way that didn’t help. I feel my hormones are totally out of whack, likely because of the Naltrexone blocking all my endorphins – everything just feels flat – and totally like a rollercoaster all at the same time. Could also be withdrawal. Despite continuing to drink (recommended as part of The Sinclair Method), being down 50% in just a few days I’m sure my body is looking for that other half. I laid down for an hour, then spent another hour or more uncontrollably crying, all the while feeling absolutely nothing and everything.

I confessed to the hubs that I wished I had gone ahead and signed us up for life insurance years ago, because I could be in ‘an accident’ now, he’d get all the money, and so many problems would go away. How sad. 

Those thoughts are gone this morning, thankfully.

I have a severe problem with balance (ironically in both the productive and physical senses now, since starting Naltrexone I’ve been having crazy vertigo). But in my life, I delve fully and completely into something, and have a way of letting everything else fall to the wayside.

Whatever I am into – I am all in. Problem is, whatever else I was ‘all into’ gets pushed to the side and ignored. This goes for literally everything in my life. I have a highly addictive personality. Learning to harness this so I can consider it a benefit continues to be a lifelong struggle. Take, for example, the eating disorder I developed through high school (now 25 years ago). I lost over 100 lbs over the course of 3 months, because I had it in my head I was not going back after summer as ‘the fat guy’. I struggled with that disorder for over a decade, and it still lingers today . Oftentimes I’ll only eat once a day, or sometimes not at all. I have no problem putting back a magnum or two of wine, though.

My poor body.

My focus going forward is balance. I am certain that working towards it is the only way I am going to get myself to a better place.

The following is borrowed from and the article by Mark Victor Hansen entitled ‘6 Tips to Create a Balanced Life’ (look at me! I’ve already made it to Step 2 before even finding this list):

6 Tips to Create a Balanced Life

1. Assess your life as it is now.

Looking at ourselves as we really are is the first step in restructuring our lives. Do you feel physically exhausted, mentally stagnant or find yourself without close relationships? Would you call yourself a workaholic? Do you feel a lack of spiritual alignment? If you answer yes to any of these questions, your life is probably out of balance.

2. Make a conscious decision to become balanced.

Choosing reality as our basis of decision is the second step to becoming balanced. Achieving balance allows us to reach our goals and our purpose in life while creating less stress to do so. A conscious decision to change is now in order.

3. And make that decision on a minute-to-minute schedule.

We are all instant forgetters. Remember all those resolutions you made way back in January? Renewing our decisions on a daily, minute-to-minute basis allows us to ease into change, instead of expecting things to change overnight.

4. Set goals in every area of your life.

Set realistic goals in all areas of your life to assist yourself in remembering that your ultimate goal is balance. Your goals should cover:

• Your relationships
• Your physical being
• Your spiritual alignment
• Your mental development
• Your job
• Your finances

5. Be willing to take the risk.

Being willing to assess ourselves and take the risk to change will not only enhance our lives, but you will feel more energy and an expanded awareness of what life is all about. Acknowledging that balance is essential and recreating your life to encompass your decision is worth all the risk.

6. Make time to reassess yourself on a daily basis.

None of us can really know how well we are doing with change in our lives unless we are willing to reassess our position. Don’t feel that your decisions are made in concrete; if something feels that it isn’t working, be willing to look at a new decision. Make time for yourself every day, in a quiet meditative state, to relax and “check yourself out.”

“Acknowledging that balance is essential and recreating your life to encompass your decision is worth all the risk.”

This falls inline perfectly with my earlier post today, about ‘checking yourself’. Being self aware. Being brave enough to stare your flaws – and strengths – in the eye. Taking those strengths and using them to adjust the areas of yourself and your current situation to be inline with your goals. And, there’s really only one goal: Balance.

When you’re out of balance, things fall overboard. Stuff drops. Things break. Finding a way to check myself on a minute-to-minute basis, though…how do I do that?

By being present.

One of my all-time favourite quotes.

In it’s most dumbed-down form, I need to make a schedule for myself. Every day. A routine that forces me to be present. Morning writing & reflection. Focused work. Mid-day meditation. Maybe even taking time to simply eat, and actually taste every bite. Getting back to the gym. And so on.

Hubs sent me a quote last night (I was already asleep at this point, in the chair, per usual):

“Don’t be in such a rush to figure everything out.
Embrace the unknown and let your life surprise you.”

That sounds so wonderful. And so out of balance.
No wonder I’m so confused.

Let’s see how walking this tight-rope goes today.

Written by SJ VanDee

Recovery Blogger. Sober AF. Photographer. Storyteller. Writer.


  1. This is an excellent view into addiction and what it can do to the mind and body. I wish you weren’t going through such angst. I’m not sure I buy into this method, but what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another. Loved the list, certainly spot on with conventional thinking on wellness. Have you considered meditation? It can do wonders for all phases of your life. Be well

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I so relate to the feeling nothing and everything, you have put it into words for me. I am going to have a read up on the Sinclair Method, sounds interesting. I used Headspace for the first free 10 sessions. I found the first session SO hard. I cried at the end of it. It got easier, fast though. As always, the things that even slightly help, I let fall by the wayside in my complacency. Have a good day x

    Liked by 1 person

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