This is what I’ve drank in the last 6 days.


19 litres of wine. $300 (Canadian) in wine. In less than a week.

And most are the big bottles.

2 of them a day, I’d say.

Hubs says I’m missing some, because he took some out already.

The empties just pile up like regrets.


The families I could feed with that money. The bills I could pay off.

The life I could live without the regrets.

The shit I could get done without the hangovers. But honestly, I barely get hungover anymore. My body is just…nope. Perhaps I’m in a constant cycle of drunk/hungover and I can’t tell the difference anymore.

6 days. 19 Litres. 

Most people don’t drink that in a year or more.

I’m just placing this here so I can look back one day, and realize where I came from.

Because looking at this photo makes me sick.

Counting down the hours until I go to rehab.

Because I can’t do this anymore.

Written by SJ VanDee

Recovery Blogger. Sober AF. Photographer. Storyteller. Writer.


  1. You are going to make it. Will part of your rehab be medical detox as well? My husband’s withdrawals were quite bad and included seizures. Being medically watched over was a priority. I am actually crying right now, thinking about your courage to do this. You keep trying and trying and trying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. And sorry for the crying. But, yes – when I arrive I go straight into medical detox, 24/7 supervised. Thank you for your courage to share what you’re sharing, too. It’s helping me through…and I’m not even there yet. xo


    1. Thank you Elizabeth 🙂 I’m finding a lot of strength in this community, and it’s really what has helped me get to this point. I never anticipated actually connecting with people, or finding support, through blogging. A little mind blown, to be honest. #HappySurprise

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I so can relate to this! I lived in studio by myself and was getting embarrassed to take the bottles to the trash outside because of the noise they made going into the dumpster. I kept them in the garage portion, hidden behind a couch. It was awful to look at. It sounds like you are in about the same place that I was in quantity. I did switch around to Vodka though because even wine didn’t do the right thing. I wish you the very best and was happy to hear you are going to rehab. You won’t regret it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this. It’s nice to know I’m not alone…you’re not alone. We’re not alone. That sound of the recycling bin…hits home and I know exactly what you’re talking about. We stockpile the empties in our garage, then look for a decent group to donate them to, who comes to collect them (we can return them for $0.20 a bottle in Canada). It’s too embarrassing to return them. So we just quietly get strangers to take them away…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly. Remembering it all gives me a stomach ache. My friend once sent me a pinterest idea to transform bottles into vases and such… But quitting actually seemed easier. 💙 You are going to do great. The relief you’ll find is so wonderful. Stay positive. Hang in there.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re the best. Thank you. I invested in a bottle cutter, with intentions of turning all the bottles into drinking glasses, vases, etc. Never happened. Still in the box, and the bottles are still in the garage LOL. I just returned from going to get 2 more big bottles of wine. WTF. The whole walk there, and the whole walk back, I kept repeating to myself “I am not going to miss this walk. I am not going to miss this walk.” And I am SO not going to miss that walk. Of shame. EVERY. DAY. Thank you for your words, they’re helping 🙂 xo

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ha! We must be twins. I had a walk too… in my hat and sunglasses. OMG I forgot about that. Always changing routes and stores so that they didn’t know how much I was REALLY buying. Yep… you are ready. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I remember drinking those mega bottles. I think I had similar reds as well. This was before I found the trick of switching to vodka – more oblivion, fewer bottles to dispose of. I had to switch because even at 3 a day or more, I wasn’t getting that kick I wanted. Also, my teeth were turning purple. I didn’t even bother exchanging them – just tossed them in recycling bins.

    I went to detox as well. You will be taken care of. They will take their time with intake, and figure out what meds to give you. The one I went to was nicknamed the Bubble, as you were on watch 24/7. They are trained to tell if someone is going to be in distress and such. So put your mind at rest! And speaking of…get some rest. Do your best. Sleep. There is nothing much else to do. They have food and water and juice and such. You will eventually get hungry. Drink plenty if you can.

    I am wishing you the best!


    Liked by 1 person

    1. OMG Thank you Paul 🙂 Don’t get me started on the purple teeth. I own ALL the Crest products LOL…which I can’t bring with me to rehab because there’s alcohol in all of them haha. I’m wishing I was there today – this week of waiting is going to kill me. Terrified, but can’t wait. Figure that out.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I get the terrified but can’t wait thing. Hopefully they also have lots of reading material. I couldn’t sleep at all for the first three or four nights. Was up the entire time. I read 3 novels straight. I don’t remember them at all though..ha ha.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes the volume is shocking, that could have been my own photo some weeks and or months when I was really on it. I never put all the bottles together like that, just was always very aware of my recycling bin that was basically just glass. Glad you are getting help. This is doable and so worth it. Alcohol is a liar and a thief. Keep writing honey. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much 🙂 I took the time yesterday to arrange all the bottles like that so I could actually SEE it. Instead of having an empty tucked here, and there. It disgusted me so much to see it. Thanks for the kind words of encouragement 🙂 xo


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