Well, I was a total hot mess last night. The reality that I’m going to rehab for a month sunk in, and Adele’s “Hello” on repeat wasn’t helping. Neither were the 3 bottles of wine I drank. Poor Hubs had/has his hands full. I sat bawling my eyes out at the kitchen island for hours, feeling all the feels and having an existential crisis. At one point I was physically trembling and couldn’t stop – the closest I think I’ve been to a total nervous breakdown.
He was watching Three’s Company.
I always thought it was just the two of us – but it’s definitely three.
Hubs, myself – and the drink.
I was trembling. All the guilt vibrating inside me, ricocheting off the shame and bouncing against the walls of my being. Wanting out. Knowing it will get out soon. Regret started leaking out of me and fell into my wine glass more than once.
I confessed to a few more friends yesterday.
Confessions and apologies – two things I seem to be doing a lot of lately.
It’s amazing how supportive my friends are…I’ve chosen good people in my life. Or they’ve chosen me. Perhaps we’ve chosen each other, like little magnetic puzzle pieces, attracted to one another and fitting together perfectly. Two pieces of one bigger, strange picture.
I just don’t want anything coming out of left field for them while I’m away, and more importantly, so they’ll check in on Hubs while I’m gone. I’m worrying about that the most, feeling selfish that I’m going away for a month to focus on ME while he’s stuck here dealing with everything and needing help himself.
He’s always been totally selfless like that.
But I’m no good to him as I am right now. I need an overhaul and spiritual oil change.
I started a new playlist last night, because music is one of the few things that still brings me joy. I had the intention that it will be for those times in rehab when I’m journalling or to help me sleep (since I’m anticipating wicked insomnia). My BFF said to choose songs that make me happy.
And I tried.
Playlist sounds more like “songs to cry and drink alone to.” #PlaylistFail.
But thoughtful music does make me happy, because I come alive. It inspires creativity in me. Thoughtfulness. My imagination starts to spread its wings, aloft on the wind of melancholy ballads. It makes me feel something, at least. A refreshing change from being so numb for so long.
I’ll spend the next week adding more songs to it, but here’s where it’s at so far. You might enjoy it. Plus, if you haven’t heard the Blank Space cover by Ryan Adams (track 4) Or Let It All Go by Birdy and Rhodes (track 7), you haven’t lived. I promise to work on a happier playlist, too. Essentially, the opposite of this one:
That’s it for this morning.
No profound revelations. No deep thoughts.
Today, I’m choosing to let it all go. For today, at least.
Or maybe until noon.
My eyeballs hurt from crying for 4 hours last night and my heart hurts from beating itself up so much lately. It feels flat, as though the weight of my anxiety has been sitting on it for too long.
PS: Please watch this. It’ll change you: