Well, I was a total hot mess last night. The reality that I’m going to rehab for a month sunk in, and Adele’s “Hello” on repeat wasn’t helping. Neither were the 3 bottles of wine I drank. Poor Hubs had/has his hands full. I sat bawling my eyes out at the kitchen island for hours, feeling all the feels and having an existential crisis. At one point I was physically trembling and couldn’t stop – the closest I think I’ve been to a total nervous breakdown.

He was watching Three’s Company.


I always thought it was just the two of us – but it’s definitely three.

Hubs, myself – and the drink.

I was trembling. All the guilt vibrating inside me, ricocheting off the shame and bouncing against the walls of my being. Wanting out. Knowing it will get out soon. Regret started leaking out of me and fell into my wine glass more than once.

I confessed to a few more friends yesterday.

Confessions and apologies – two things I seem to be doing a lot of lately.

It’s amazing how supportive my friends are…I’ve chosen good people in my life. Or they’ve chosen me. Perhaps we’ve chosen each other, like little magnetic puzzle pieces, attracted to one another and fitting together perfectly. Two pieces of one bigger, strange picture.

I just don’t want anything coming out of left field for them while I’m away, and more importantly, so they’ll check in on Hubs while I’m gone. I’m worrying about that the most, feeling selfish that I’m going away for a month to focus on ME while he’s stuck here dealing with everything and needing help himself.

He’s always been totally selfless like that.

But I’m no good to him as I am right now. I need an overhaul and spiritual oil change.

I started a new playlist last night, because music is one of the few things that still brings me joy. I had the intention that it will be for those times in rehab when I’m journalling or to help me sleep (since I’m anticipating wicked insomnia). My BFF said to choose songs that make me happy.

And I tried.

Playlist sounds more like “songs to cry and drink alone to.” #PlaylistFail.

But thoughtful music does make me happy, because I come alive. It inspires creativity in me. Thoughtfulness. My imagination starts to spread its wings, aloft on the wind of melancholy ballads. It makes me feel something, at least. A refreshing change from being so numb for so long.

I’ll spend the next week adding more songs to it, but here’s where it’s at so far. You might enjoy it. Plus, if you haven’t heard the Blank Space cover by Ryan Adams (track 4) Or Let It All Go by Birdy and Rhodes (track 7), you haven’t lived. I promise to work on a happier playlist, too. Essentially, the opposite of this one:

That’s it for this morning.

No profound revelations. No deep thoughts.

Today, I’m choosing to let it all go. For today, at least.

Or maybe until noon.

My eyeballs hurt from crying for 4 hours last night and my heart hurts from beating itself up so much lately. It feels flat, as though the weight of my anxiety has been sitting on it for too long.

More coffee.

PS: Please watch this. It’ll change you:

Written by SJ VanDee

Recovery Blogger. Sober AF. Photographer. Storyteller. Writer.


      1. You have been on my mind constantly. Always there as I navigate my day.
        I woke up extra early today and journaled about how much you inspire me.
        I need you to know this my friend…within my mind’s eye, I can see this future vision of you. In all your recovery, growth, strength, and power. You have always had the ability to create magic out of a simple twinkling of an idea. You give it life, breath passion into it. It’s amazing. And as painful as it is to go through this chapter of your life, you WILL create amazing out of it. You will touch other’s lives as you share within your own vulnerability and lessons learned. You will be an advocate for other’s who don’t have a voice yet…or who aren’t sure where to start. I can see it, it’s painful, raw, but so beautiful. I know that’s probably not appropriate to say as your pain is so raw at the moment, but I need you to know that you’ll be OK. Better than OK.
        And your strong Hubs will be OK too. You both will be. Together. But for now, work is needed to rebuild your own identities…which you both recognize. That is so powerful. and BRAVE
        I believe you are scratching at the surface of your true calling. You are bravely dealing with what you need to. You understand the necessity of it. You are so strong to do so while sharing it here. I’m just so proud to be your friend and I support you always.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Oh boy. Anddddd I’m crying at 9am. Thank you. I love reading this and being able to hear your voice as though we are sitting on the porch and having a chat. You’re always present for me, despite being across the country – and I thank you for that. That, and for being my inspiration. xo


  1. I haven’t been that much of a music person. I think in the last few years I spent most of my time listening to news because music made me think too much. But I’ve moved more into music with Adam’s death. I found this song randomly, and it is endlessly played when I’m alone. I think it works for both the person in your position, and the one on mine. “Wait” by Alexie Murdoch. Thinking of you every day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow. This is beautiful and heart-wrenching. THANK YOU. The lyrics just broke me down…definitely spot on for how I am feeling. “And if I stumble, And if I stall, And if I slip now, And if I should fall, And if I can’t be all that I could be, Will you, will you wait for me?”

      Ugh. It’s perfect. Thank you. xo


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