It’s 10:45pm and in less than 6 hours you’ll be driving me to an airport because I’m an alcoholic.

I am sorry.

And thank you.

Thank you, more than you know.

Thank you, for being patient with me. In times when I know you probably want to walk out the door and never look back. In times when you don’t understand why something SO SIMPLE can be so HARD for me. For at least trying to understand that, even in times when you’re tired and you can’t. Thank you for allowing me to do this – for myself, and for us. Thank you for this second, third, fifteenth chance. Thank you for your belief in me – for your hope that maybe this time I’ll get it right.

Thank you for every sleepless night you’ve spent – apart from me and I from you. Most days on different floors and in different rooms. Miles and lightyears apart, but still there for me. Always.

I am sorry for all the spilled wine, the slurred words, the thoughts that came out all wrong, and the times I’ve passed out on the couch or the chair, and every single night you’ve climbed those stairs alone to bed without me there to crawl into bed with you.

I’m sorry for not being there to have, and to hold.

Thank you for whatever it is in you that sees that maybe there’s a chance I’m not completely broken, but maybe I’ve been put back together just a little wrong. 

Thank you for every time, while in my darkest moments, your voice has risen up and encouraged me to try just one more time. Especially when those days were the hardest for you.

Because of me.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And you’ve sat there quietly. Patiently. For years, waiting for the day I would just wake up and realize that this can’t go on any longer.

I’m sorry.

You deserve a best friend, and a husband – not a drunk.

And I promise you, I am in here somewhere.

I’m here.

And I’m going to go and find me, for both of us. Because in finding me, I’m only finding half of who I am.

Thank you for being that other half…patiently waiting for me. 

I woke up, I sat down, and I wrote this. It was the first thing on my mind, and has been the first thing in my heart for so long now. 

I miss you. I love you. I thank you. I am sorry.


Written by SJ VanDee

Recovery Blogger. Sober AF. Photographer. Storyteller. Writer.


      1. I know it’s an obvious thing to say but(and I’m sure you’ll here this a lot but it’s true) It’s a day at a time, go easy on yourself, take the help. Sending big hugs from Ireland .

        Liked by 2 people

  1. Well, you’ve succesfully got me in tears. I’m so sorry I didn’t comment sooner — I want to wish you the best of luck during your time at rehab. I want to wish you the best of luck while you detox your mind, body, and soul. — BE KIND TO YOURSELF. This will be, hands down, the most excruciating thing you’ve done in your life. It will also be the BEST thing you’ve ever done. Do not be afraid, look back on the past and face all those monsters head-on, grieve, feel, just please be kind to yourself. You are SO lucky to have a partner that has walked through the fires with you, whether you started those fires or steady fed those fires. You have somebody that loves you, now it’s time you do a favor for yourself and your partner — you have to love yourself. Sending support, positivity, and so much love from Texas.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you SOOOOO MUCH!!!!! And apologies for my delayed reply – you’re correct, the internet did eat your comment and I just found it (them) in my “spam” folder (who knew I even had one LOL!). I agree, I’m very very lucky, and you’re quite correct, this is the most excruciating thing I’ve done in my life. But I am, surprisingly, very much enjoying the (quite painful) process. Every day a little bit more – some days a little more hurt, some days a little more relief. Thanks SO MUCH for your kind words and support! xo


  2. I think the Internet ate my previous comment.

    Apologies, as I so badly wanted to wish you all good things before your departure for rehab.

    This post left me in tears. Please find any comfort in the fact there are SO MANY people that are either in the same boat as you, or have previously been in the same boat as you. Albeit these boats are all in our own, separate oceans… The time has come for us to raise our white flags up the masts, and though our boats might be full of holes and the sails are disheveled and tattered… We’re no longer aboard ships that are sinking!

    You are about to embark upon the most excruciating but most rewarding journey you’ll ever have the privilege of taking. Best part? You have somebody that loves you. You have a partner that’s walked with you through fires you started and the flames you steadily fed. Now it’s time to love yourself and be the partner your hubs deserves… the you that he fell in love with.

    BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Allow yourself to detox your mind, body, and soul. It’s important to face your demons head on, to grieve, to apologize to those you hurt, and most importantly : to forgive and love yourself.

    You got this. Sending support, light and SO much love from Texas.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 🙂 This entire process is proving (already) to be so much more than I anticipated…in a good way. It’s a total transformation – and here I was worried about the “detox” part…in hindsight, that’s the easiest part of the journey!!


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