“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to blame. The gift is yours – it is an amazing journey – and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”

– Moawad

I am back.

At the beginning.

I disappeared from here, in true “me” style, because I don’t like admitting my faults. It’s easier to avoid things, than to suffer the pain of actually dealing with them. Thank you to everyone who reached out, and maybe somehow understood my silence meant I was floating somewhere in a bottle.

I wish I could tell you that you were wrong.

But you were very correct.

Albeit the severity of how badly my drinking has affected my life and those in it is nowhere near what it was my last time around, I am mindful of the reality that I need to deal with this again. 

I feel it raging like a never ending hangover, swollen behind my eyes.  A dull headache that just sits there reminding me that I’m unwell.

I won’t call it failure, because failure would be me never coming back here.

Failure would be me refusing to admit I have a problem, again.

Never stop starting again, right?

I stopped working the steps and got cocky. The thirst returned. And I quenched it with hesitation after 3 months sober, and it’s grip wrapped around me faster than a bottle of wine gets emptied around here.

So many bottles of wine.

But today is Day One.


And I’m okay with that, because it’s better than saying it will be tomorrow.

Today’s the day I’m taking responsibility for the quality of my life again and going dry. I’ve learned quite obviously that moderation is not my forté. Acknowledging that fact gives me the power to re-explore my beliefs around drinking and being an alcoholic.

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.

Cheers to beginning again.

xo S.

Written by SJ VanDee

Recovery Blogger. Sober AF. Photographer. Storyteller. Writer.


  1. Hey Shawn, I’m so glad you made it back and are alive to say so, many are not so lucky. It’s taken me nearly 30 years to get 19 continuous and consider myself fortunate. I hope you’re done and not just taking a break. Those words shattered my selfish delusions 11/98 and it worked. Jeff


  2. Hey Fumbling,

    I’m on the other side of the planet and I didn’t see you around here so you’re still with us. If you have a Higher Power, I say hand over. If not, find one!

    love alwaz


  3. I am thrilled you are back no matter the circumstances. Addiction is a lifelong process. You are not a failure. As I always said to my husband, “I am with you as long as you are trying.” He kept trying, but as you know he ran out of time. Many of us are here to support you.

    Liked by 1 person

Let's talk...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s